Transparent Christian Magazine

“Well, just what are your views on family, accountability, the role of a husband and wife, mother and father?” he asked me. I adjusted my position, looked to see how much battery I had left on my cell phone and then put it back up to my ear. For a few moments I think I talked in circles… about my old fashioned views on what a good woman, a good mother, a good wife should be… how, I’m very much a control freak, yet, in my faithfulness, to do the ‘Christian thing,’ to count on God, to give it ALL to God, I need help, I need to be lead by someone stronger than me… someone who has a more firm grip on his or her bible…. And then I just blurted it out. “I can’t do it alone… I can’t, I don’t have the will power or self discipline to not give into (in to) temptation…” I’m a sinner. I’ve been places no respectable, God fearing woman would ever think of going. I’ve done, said or threatened people with things that I should rot in hell for. Those things were a long time ago… well to me, but in God’s eyes, do those things still represent the real me? Have I asked forgiveness of all my insane moments? I mean, I have no desire to be that person again, but somethings aren’t just shadows in the light, they’re also shadows in the dark… you know, things that are darker than dark, more evil than evil?

When I finally stopped rambling, he didn’t say anything… I felt a brief moment of relief, as I was sure my Nextel had terminated connection with his AT&T server…

Thank God, he didn’t hear all of it and there was no way I was repeating it…

but he did hear it… all of it…
“Sheila, I’m so glad you told me that, I’m so glad you feel this way, I’m so glad I know you… can we pray, do you mind if I pray right now?” I was only able to whisper “yes, please do”. I cried myself to sleep that night… but it was a good cry… a cry of relief, a cry of hope, a cry for the light to envelope my shadows and make me a light in someone else’s moment of shadows.

Just a few days later, I would be sitting in church and Chris Spradlin, the Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, campus pastor,LifeChurch.TV, would look me right in the eye and say the exact same thing… to me… in my face… there was no one else in that auditorium, Chris said… “I’m talkin’ to you, Sheila… you know it, you’ve always known it… you feel it deep inside… YOU CAN NOT DO IT ALONE!…now do something about it!” As I sat there, my mind racing, my heart pounding… tears rolling down and off my cheeks, I realized that I didn’t share “all of it” on the phone that night… I was guilty of “withholding the final 10″… I intend to remedy that with in the next few days.

[EDITOR's NOTE---You can watch the entire video of Chris's "Hostage" teaching here. He mentions that when we don't reveal the 'final 10%' of our lives with our close friends, we can't fully grow or heal. Chris is a fantastic speaker and this 30 minute teaching is really amazing.]

I’ve had some time to reflect on a few things in my life… nearly 40 years of decisions, indecision’s, failures, triumphs, dreams and disappointments, life, death… lack of faithfulness and the control to relinquish my control… If I’m not in control of my life, someone else is… today, I’m giving it to God… and my prayer partner, will get my final 10… because I can’t do it alone.

Nothing More

I am just a sinner,
Nothing more, nothing less…
Just another face in the crowd.
No dirt on my knees,
Forgetting You’re there.
Tossed in the fire,
and begging for more…
I am just a sinner,
Nothing more, nothing less…

I am just a sinner,
Nothing more, nothing less…
My eyes closed to Your grace…
Refusing to accept You’re there,
I’ll burn in eternity.
Falling to my knees,
I give it all to You…
I beg to touch Your face…
I am just a sinner…
For without You,
I am nothing more…